Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
