Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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