For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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