he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
