Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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