be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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