At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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