Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
