Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize