maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
