i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize