if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
