im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
