can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
