It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
