I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
