I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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