I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
