Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
