Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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