Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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