I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've blown a few things in my day
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
