i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
