The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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