you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
