soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
