my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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