I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
