so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
