Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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