i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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