Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
