You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize