also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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