What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
