My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we're making bets on your personal life
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
