i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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