Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
