forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
