"it" just moved
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
