WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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