So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
