Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i think i just lost a toe
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize