What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
