I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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