you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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