My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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