she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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