I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
