is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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