and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
