can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
