i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
