I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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