i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
