So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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