i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
