so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will pee on everything he values.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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