I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize