guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
